NFL Week 9 picks - Everyone is Hurt!

Hi all! Welcome to the NFL, where everyone gets hurt! Brady Quinn is probably right, it's probably because everyone is on PEDs. But let's face it, do you even care? I mean, yes, you care if it's your favorite player or your fantasy star who gets injured, but does it make you want to watch NFL football any less, because there are so many injuries happening this year? It does not. The NFL is so perfectly watchable that it doesn't even matter who takes the field. Like Jerry Seinfeld said once, we're all just rooting for laundry anyway. So congrats, NFL - despite that the fact that your greedy, plutocrat owners and their oily hitman commissioner are doing everything in their power to ruin the league, even THEY can't do it! The NFL chugs on and moves forward of its own momentum at this point. And no amount of interminable replay challenges or season-ending ACL injuries will change that right now.



Pictured: a typical NFL owner

Onto the picks!

Thurs 11/5

Cleveland at Cincinnati

Remember, remember the 5th of November. Guy Fawkes Day! This would have been the perfect day to do a game in London! Of course, it would have been played at like 2 a.m. local time, but that's hardly my problem. I picked the Bengals in this one, but that wasn't exactly rocket science. I had:

Bengals 23
Browns 17

Sunday 11/8

Green Bay at Carolina

I'll take Carolina to stay unbeaten, I guess, since Green Bay got undressed last week by Denver's defense. Not literally. No one wants to see that shit.

Panthers 31
Packers 27

Washington at New England

YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT? No, Kirk Cousins, I don't like that.

Patriots 50
Redskins 17

Tennessee at New Orleans

Tennessee sucks.

Saints 37
Titans 20

Miami at Buffalo

Like the Jets, these are the other AFC East teams playing for a participation trophy and nothing else. I'll take Buffalo at home, I guess. Although this game is a toss up.

Bills 24
Dolphins 23

St. Louis at Minnesota

Uh...Minnesota? I guess?

Vikings 27
Rams 20

Jacksonville at New York Jets

I have no confidence in the Jets right now, and eroding confidence in rookie head coach Todd Bowles. But they have to beat Jacksonville at home...right?

Jets 24
Jaguars 20

Oakland at Pittsburgh

I would love to take Oakland on the road, but Ben Roethlisberger is playing again, and I think that's enough to push Pittsburgh over the top.

Steelers 28
Raiders 27

New York Giants at Tampa Bay

I'm actually going to pick the Buccaneers here, even though the Giants offense looked great last week. Their defense is a dumpster fire, though.

Buccaneers 27
Giants 24

Atlanta at San Francisco

For San Francisco, see above for Tennessee.

Falcons 31
49ers 20

Denver at Indianapolis

This is not just about the quarterbacks. This is about Denver's defense beating the ever loving crap out of Andrew Luck, which they will.

Broncos 24
Colts 14

Philadelphia at Dallas

Is Romo back? He's not? Bye.

Eagles 24
Cowboys 17

Monday 11/9

Chicago at San Diego

I have no idea, both teams are dreadfully mediocre. I mean that in the literal sense. Their mediocrity fills me with dread.

Chargers 23
Bears 21

Last week: 9-5
Season: 62-43