NFL Week 12 Picks - You Now Have the Theme Song to "Duck Tales" Stuck in Your Head

Congrats! Whether you read my picks or not, you now have "Duck Tales! Woo-oo!" running through your brain. Consider that my gift to you.

Happy Thanksgiving, America! I love me a good secular holiday that the whole country can enjoy together. Food, football, and hearing that one racist relative go off on a tirade about food stamps or something, well, that's about as American as apple pie.

Sigh.

Onto the picks for week 12!

(Duck Tales! Woo-oo!)

Thursday 11/26

Philadelphia at Detroit

Oh, Eagles. Chip Kelly should be fired yesterday.

Lions 27
Eagles 20

Carolina at Dallas

I have no faith in the Cowboys anymore, and Carolina is gooooooood.

Panthers 31
Cowboys 20

Chicago at Green Bay

I had this one wrong. No way Green Bay would lose on "Brett Favre Night," right?

Oops.

I had:

Packers 37
Bears 27

Sunday 11/29

Oakland at Tennessee

I'm not picking the Raiders on the road again.

Titans 24
Raiders 17

Buffalo at Kansas City

Poor Rex. Always getting so up for the Patriots. It's charming that Rex uses emotion like a college coach, but it's alarming that he coaches like one. Nothing has changed. He's literally learned nothing since the Jets canned him. However, I do like the Bills to win on the road, because Alex Smith is so limited, and Rex's defense feast on "limited" QBs. #analysis

Bills 24
Chiefs 20

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis

Hey, let's pick Tampa, why not?

Buccaneers 31
Colts 27

New York Giants at Washington

Man, I have no idea about ANY of these picks this week. They're all toss-ups. I guess I'll take the Giants, although I don't feel great about it.

Giants 27
Redskins 21

New Orleans at Houston

Here's another one. No idea. I'll take Houston.

Texans 30
Saints 27

Minnesota at Atlanta

UGH I HATE THIS WEEK SO MUCH.

Falcons 23
Vikings 16

St. Louis at Cincinnati

This is a game the Bengals have to win. I mean, come on.

Bengals 27
Rams 17

San Diego at Jacksonville

I guess I'll take the Jaguars, because they suck slightly less than the Chargers, right? Or it's about even, I guess.

Jaguars 24
Chargers 21

Miami at New York Jets

I'll never understand why there are so many Dolphins fans up here in the NYC/NJ area. The team hasn't won a Super Bowl in 43 years, and yet, we're overrun with these people. I don't get it. I guess everyone really liked Dan Marino, aka, the O.G. Peyton Manning, back in the day. That's both a compliment and an insult, I guess.

Dolphins 20
Jets 17



"Yeah!!!! I love going 10-6 and losing in the playoffs every time I play in cold weather!"

Arizona at San Francisco

Carson Palmer, can you go ahead and throw 12 touchdown passes tonight? Thanks brah.

Cardinals 84
49ers 20

Pittsburgh at Seattle

Ah, a rematch of one of the most glaringly fixed Super Bowls in NFL history. The officials were so blatantly calling things Pittsburgh's way, they may as well have had Tim Donaghy in charge of the crew. Nice job, Sons of Rooney - you gave Pittsburgh that Super Bowl. It will always make me sick (and I don't even give a damn about the Seahawks - I just loathe injustice).

Seahawks 27
Steelers 20

New England at Denver

What's Denver's quarterback's name? It doesn't matter.

Patriots 34
Broncos 24

Monday 11/30

Baltimore at Cleveland

Hey, it's the team that Cleveland should have kept, versus the team they were rewarded punished with getting a few years later. Oh well, Cleveland fans ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, my GOD, what an awful Monday Night Football game. Looks like an Xbox kind of night if you ask me.

Ravens 20
Browns 19

Last week: 8-6
Season: 85-61

NFL Week 11 Picks - The Quick and the Dead

Confession time - that's a total clickbait headline. This column has nothing to do with the Sharon Stone/Gene Hackman movie.



Nope

Onto the picks, because it's already after noon and I GOTS TO MOVE

Thursday 11/19

Tennessee at Jacksonville

Thanks for letting me down, Oilers.

Titans 24
Jaguars 17

Sunday 11/22

Oakland at Detroit

Raiders...don't fail me again, okay?

Raiders 27
Lions 20

Indianapolis at Atlanta

Who's hurt for this one? NO TIME TO GOOGLE.

Falcons 23
Colts 20

New York Jets at Houston

I'll pick the Texans, in pure reverse-jinx fashion.

Texans 24
Jets 20

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia

Ugh, no idea. Go Sanchez, I guess.

Eagles 20
Buccaneers 17

Denver at Chicago

Chicago, I guess, since Peyton is finally (and predictably) falling apart physically. Osweiller is a total uknown.

Bears 23
Broncos 17

St. Louis at Baltimore

Ravens I guess?

Ravens 27
Rams 20

Dallas at Miami

Romo's back! Probably!

Cowboys 27
Dolphins 24

Washington at Carolina

The Redskins aren't awful! But Carolina is goooooooooood.

Panthers 27
Redskins 17

Kansas City at San Diego

I'm tired of picking the shitty Chargers, so I won't.

Chiefs 28
Chargers 24

Green Bay at Minnesota

What the hell is wrong with Green Bay?

Vikings 20
Packers 17

San Francisco at Seattle

Seahawks, right? Right.

Seahawks 30
49ers 20

Cincinnati at Arizona

I'll take the Cardinals in the Carson Palmer Bowl.

Cardinals 27
Bengals 19

Monday 11/23

Buffalo at New England

Ugh.

Patriots 34
Bills 24

Last week: 7-7 (woof)
Season: 77-55

NFL Week 10 Picks - the LIGHTNING ROUND

I'm up against it time-wise, so here we go! NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK!



That means you too, Sheev

Thursday 11/12

Buffalo at New York Jets

I knew the Jets would lose.

Bills 20
Jets 17

Sunday 11/15

Detroit at Green Bay

Lions suckkkkkkk

Packers 31
Lions 17

Dallas at Tampa Bay

Bucs I guess

Buccaneers 24
Cowboys 23

Carolina at Tennessee

Panthers all day!

Panthers 31
Titans 14

Chicago at St. Louis

Pick 'em!

Rams 30
Bears 27

New Orleans at Washington

Redskins I guess?

Redskins 24
Saints 23

Miami at Philadelphia

Cheesesteaks are good.

Eagles 31
Dolphins 21

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

No Big Ben, no problem

Steelers 27
Browns 20

Jacksonville at Baltimore

Purple and black attack

Ravens 27
Jaguars 23

Minnesota at Oakland

I believe in the Raiders! (no, seriously)

Raiders 30
Vikings 21

New England at New York Giants

It's not the Super Bowl, so...

Patriots 34
Giants 31

Kansas City at Denver

IN-COM-PLETE!

(dumbest chant in sports history)

Broncos 27
Chiefs 17

Arizona at Seattle

Cardinals on the road, with the W!

Cardinals 24
Seahawks 20

Monday 11/16

Houston at Cincinnati

WHO DAT BENGALS

Bengals 24
Texans 13

Last week: 8-5
Season: 70-48

NFL Week 9 picks - Everyone is Hurt!

Hi all! Welcome to the NFL, where everyone gets hurt! Brady Quinn is probably right, it's probably because everyone is on PEDs. But let's face it, do you even care? I mean, yes, you care if it's your favorite player or your fantasy star who gets injured, but does it make you want to watch NFL football any less, because there are so many injuries happening this year? It does not. The NFL is so perfectly watchable that it doesn't even matter who takes the field. Like Jerry Seinfeld said once, we're all just rooting for laundry anyway. So congrats, NFL - despite that the fact that your greedy, plutocrat owners and their oily hitman commissioner are doing everything in their power to ruin the league, even THEY can't do it! The NFL chugs on and moves forward of its own momentum at this point. And no amount of interminable replay challenges or season-ending ACL injuries will change that right now.



Pictured: a typical NFL owner

Onto the picks!

Thurs 11/5

Cleveland at Cincinnati

Remember, remember the 5th of November. Guy Fawkes Day! This would have been the perfect day to do a game in London! Of course, it would have been played at like 2 a.m. local time, but that's hardly my problem. I picked the Bengals in this one, but that wasn't exactly rocket science. I had:

Bengals 23
Browns 17

Sunday 11/8

Green Bay at Carolina

I'll take Carolina to stay unbeaten, I guess, since Green Bay got undressed last week by Denver's defense. Not literally. No one wants to see that shit.

Panthers 31
Packers 27

Washington at New England

YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT? No, Kirk Cousins, I don't like that.

Patriots 50
Redskins 17

Tennessee at New Orleans

Tennessee sucks.

Saints 37
Titans 20

Miami at Buffalo

Like the Jets, these are the other AFC East teams playing for a participation trophy and nothing else. I'll take Buffalo at home, I guess. Although this game is a toss up.

Bills 24
Dolphins 23

St. Louis at Minnesota

Uh...Minnesota? I guess?

Vikings 27
Rams 20

Jacksonville at New York Jets

I have no confidence in the Jets right now, and eroding confidence in rookie head coach Todd Bowles. But they have to beat Jacksonville at home...right?

Jets 24
Jaguars 20

Oakland at Pittsburgh

I would love to take Oakland on the road, but Ben Roethlisberger is playing again, and I think that's enough to push Pittsburgh over the top.

Steelers 28
Raiders 27

New York Giants at Tampa Bay

I'm actually going to pick the Buccaneers here, even though the Giants offense looked great last week. Their defense is a dumpster fire, though.

Buccaneers 27
Giants 24

Atlanta at San Francisco

For San Francisco, see above for Tennessee.

Falcons 31
49ers 20

Denver at Indianapolis

This is not just about the quarterbacks. This is about Denver's defense beating the ever loving crap out of Andrew Luck, which they will.

Broncos 24
Colts 14

Philadelphia at Dallas

Is Romo back? He's not? Bye.

Eagles 24
Cowboys 17

Monday 11/9

Chicago at San Diego

I have no idea, both teams are dreadfully mediocre. I mean that in the literal sense. Their mediocrity fills me with dread.

Chargers 23
Bears 21

Last week: 9-5
Season: 62-43

NFL Week 8 Picks , but first, M-E-T-S METS METS METS (and probably for the last time)

Ah, the New York Mets. My beloved professional baseball franchise. I tend to eschew the successful, well-run franchises. Too boring. I like the circus-like Jets, the bungling Knicks, and the ridiculous Mets. I understand that winning is fun (Syracuse basketball has given me my only consistent experience with that), but I like to root for the underdogs. Sports are fun for me in a whole different way. Do the Mets have the pedigree and somber arrogance of the New York Yankees? They do not. They don't have their 27 World Series titles either (ask any Yankees fan, they'll tell you)? No. But the Mets have Mr. Met, "Meet the Mets," the "we've got the teamwork to make the dreamwork," the Amazins and the Miracle Mets of 1986 and 1969, respectively, and a charming ballpark in Queens that is the antithesis of the dreary, cathedral-like block of granite over in the Bronx.

I chose the teams I chose for a reason, and this Mets run to the World Series has been a wild ride. Unexpected, weird, and fun - just like the Mets! So as the Mets play tonight in a desperate attempt to stop the Kansas City Royals from celebrating a World Series title at Citi Field, I raise a glass to - in the words of the immortal Steve Sommers of WFAN - the New York Metropolitans. Thanks for the pennant, fellas. Here's to hoping your former stadium mates the New York Jets can reach a Super Bowl in my lifetime and give me half as much enjoyment as you did this fall.



Live by the Murphy, die by the Murphy

I'm up against it time-wise, so it's time for some lightning round NFL predictions. Onto the football picks!

Thursday 10/29

Miami at New England

Ah, the Miami Dolphins "new coach" bump wore off, just in time, of course, for the Patriots game. Things always seem to work out just perfectly for the Patriots. Barf. That's why I picked them, though, although I thought it would be more competitive.

Patriots 31
Dolphins 21

Sunday 11/1

Detroit at "Kansas City" (London)

Happy November! I was way off on this one. I thought the Lions would win, after all the coaching staff changes. LOL, no. That did not happen. The Chiefs crushed them, but I had:

Lions 24
Chiefs 17

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

This is a game that the Falcons BETTER win. Can't afford to lose at home to the Bucs, yo.

Falcons 27
Buccaneers 17

Arizona at Cleveland

Cleveland is a mess.

Cardinals 31
Browns 20

San Francisco at St. Louis

Rams, I guess? Why not.

Rams 20
49ers 17

New York Giants at New Orleans

G-men! And for the LOVE OF GOD, ODELL BECKHAM, DO SOMETHING.

Giants 27
Saints 24

Minnesota at Chicago

Vikings vs. Bears in real life would have been a cool matchup to watch.

Vikings 27
Bears 20

San Diego at Baltimore

San...Diego? Maybe? This game should look like a Big 12 game, as neither team plays defense.

Chargers 38
Ravens 35

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

It's the Bengals year, I BELIEVE! WHO DAT! (I hope that makes you happy, Eric Rogers!)

Bengals 30
Steelers 27

Tennessee at Houston

Who cares.

Texans 24
Titans 20

New York Jets at Oakland

This game will tell us a lot about both teams. Usually, those scenarios don't work out well for the Jets. We'll see.

Jets 28
Raiders 24

Seattle at Dallas

Is Tony Romo back yet? No? Oof.

Seahawks 31
Cowboys 27

Green Bay at Denver

Aaron Rodgers against the Denver defense is the matchup of the week.

Broncos 27
Packers 23

Monday 11/2

Indianapolis at Carolina

Panthers! They're fun. Cam Newton should get a chance to do that Clark Kent/Superman thing of his.

Panthers 34
Colts 24

Last week: 9-5
Season: 53-38

NFL Week 7 Picks - Revenge of the Nerds

HEY DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT STAR WARS TRAILER? Here it is in case you didn't:



Seriously, how badass is that. The Millennium Falcon is flying sideways! SIDEWAYS!



Sideways!

Anyway, back to football. My week seven picks are off to a terrible start. I would have gotten cute and taken the 49ers on Thursday night, but of course they lost. And I really liked the Bills today in Jacksonville, but I forgot - silly me - just how much EJ Manuel sucks. Currently, the Jaguars just scored back to back defensive TDs as I type this. Great offense as usual, Rex!

Thursday 10/22

Seattle at San Francisco

Just when I started to waver in my belief in the Seahawks, and I started to think that maybe the 49ers weren't as bad as I thought, BOOM! I'm dumb. I had:

49ers 31
Seahawks 24

Sunday 10/25

Buffalo at "Jacksonville"

It's really cruel that we keep inflicting terrible NFL football on our closest allies. Sorry, London. You deserve better than this.

Bills 20
Jaguars 17

Tampa Bay at Washington

Woof, what a dogfight. Redskins I guess?

Redskins 24
Buccaneers 20

Atlanta at Tennessee

My high school mascot my freshman year was a Golden Falcon, before we merged with the neighboring high school and we became the Panthers. Yawn. That has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that we ripped off the old Falcons logo for our logo. The new Falcons logo is lame. #grumpyoldmanopinions

Falcons 27
Titans 21

New Orleans at Indianapolis

I...have no idea.

Colts 27
Saints 24

Minnesota at Detroit

Neither team is good, but Minnesota is gooder.

Gooder.

Vikings 24
Lions 17

Pittsburgh at Kansas City

Are the Steelers good? Maybe. Is Kansas City bad? Possibly. Am I just stalling before having to make a pick? Definitely.

Steelers 23
Chiefs 20

Cleveland at St. Louis

Josh Luke Cade McCown McNown is a terrible QB, and Johnny Manziel has a drinking problem. You do you, Cleveland.

Rams 24
Browns 13

Houston at Miami

Ooooh, who pissed in Miami's cereal last week? They looked downright surly, and that's what you want out of an NFL team. I think they're going to beat the Texans this week, because are just some freakish d-lineman and a bunch of stiffs.

Dolphins 27
Texans 21

New York Jets at New England

Ugh, I hate this game. I always hate this. It will be close. It will be maddening. And the Jets will lose a close one.

Patriots 34
Jets 27

Oakland at San Diego

Gotta like Los Angeles San Diego here, right? I fear that the Raiders are Raidering again.

Chargers 31
Raiders 20

Dallas at New York Giants

MATT CASSELL IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY! But seriously, the Giants looked like a steaming pile of dirty diapers against the Eagles on Monday night. Yuck. I have no idea who's going to win this game, but I'll take the Giants at home simply because I think Tom Coughlin may have infused them with old man-rage-strength this week.

Giants 24
Cowboys 20

Philadelphia at Carolina

This is actually a really good matchup! One of the of the week, to be honest. I'll take the Panthers at home, but it'll be damned close.

Panthers 30
Eagles 27

Monday 10/26

Baltimore at Arizona

Cardinals all dayyyyy. And if Carson Palmer could go ahead and toss about five touchdown passes for my fantasy team, that'd be great. Thanks!

Cardinals 35
Ravens 24

Last week: 8-6
Season: 44-33

Week 6 NFL Picks - My Triumphant Return After a Sabbatical for Week 5

Okay, so it wasn't so much a sabbatical as it was "I actually had things to do that weekend so I couldn't do my picks." But this weekend, I'm back to doing nothing, so my boring life is your gain!!

Onto the picks!

Thursday 10/15

Atlanta at New Orleans

Well, I was way off on this one. Fraudulent Atlanta is my least favorite Atlanta. My pick was:

Falcons 27
Saints 20

Sunday 10/18

Washington at New York Jets

I don't think this is as much as a slam dunk as everyone else does, but I GUESS I'll take the Jets to beat the injury-depleted Redskins. Right? Sure why not. What the hell do I know.

Jets 31
Redskins 24



Pictured: Old Ass Ronnie Lott squeezing a few bucks out of the Jets, playing against the Redsksins

Arizona at Pittsburgh

I wonder if Carson Palmer has PTSD-style flashbacks whenever he plays the Steelers. Lord knows I would and...OH MY GOD THAT's KIMO VON OELHOFFEN'S MUSIC

Cardinals 27
Steelers 21

Kansas City at Minnesota

The Vikes, amirite? I don't know.

Vikings 24
Chiefs 17

Cincinnati at Buffalo

I don't believe in the Bengals at all, but the Bills are starting EJ Manuel at quarterback. So...

Bengals 27
Bills 20

Chicago at Detroit

The Lions HAVE to win eventually, right? I mean, I guess they don't have to, because Matthew Stafford sucks. But I think they'll eke one out this week.

Lions 23
Bears 20

Denver at Cleveland

Denver's defense is good. It's carrying them. It will carry them past Cleveland this week too. #analysis

Broncos 24
Browns 14

Houston at Jacksonville

Who cares.

Jaguars 20
Texans 17

Miami at Tennessee

Ugh...Tennessee I guess? Miami is a flaming dumpster fire right now.

Titans 20
Dolphins 17

Carolina at Seattle

Oooh, a legitimately good matchup! I would pick the Panthers, but I can't imagine the Seahawks falling to 2-4 (and at home, no less).

Seahawks 27
Panthers 17

San Diego at Green Bay

Can't pick against Aaaron Rodgers at home. I mean, come on.

Packers 30
Chargers 20

Baltimore at San Francisco

This used to be the Harbaugh Bowl! Now it's just John Harbaugh against a used car salesman. Weak.

Ravens 27
49ers 21

New England at Indianapolis

Please stop hyping this as some kind of Deflategate rematch game. Give me a break. The Colts suck.

Patriots 47
Colts 17

Monday 10/19

New York Giants at Philadelphia

IT'S RUMORED THAT THE NEW STAR WARS TRAILER COMES OUT DURING THIS GAME OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

Resistance 27
First Order 20

Okay, sorry. Nerd Broll took control. I think that the Giants lose, just because they have so many injuries and the Eagles are finding a pulse.

Eagles 27
Giants 21


Two weeks ago: 10-5
Season: 36-27