Thurs 9/5
Baltimore at Denver
Baltimore's an offensive team now, right? Ray Lewis is retired, Ed Reed is with the Texans, so it's the Joe Flacco show. As for Peyton Manning's Broncos, I keep hearing that they lost a lot of guys to injury in the preseason, and I'll have to take ESPN's word for it I guess since I really don't care. Because they're playing at home in week one, though, I'll give ol' Horseface and company the nod over the Ravens in a game that will be similar to last season's AFC championship game shootout, but with Denver pulling out this one.
Broncos 31
Ravens 24
Sunday 9/8
Tampa Bay at New York Jets
REVIS REVIS REVIS REVIS REVIS REVIS REVIS REVIS REVIS.
Goddamnit, Geno Smith is starting and I'm afraid that he's going to make us miss Mark Sanchez (!). As a Jets fan, this is not a sobering thought. Far from it. This is a "drink all the alcohol you can find" thought.
Bucs 20
Jets 6
New England at Buffalo
GOD, I hate New England Patriots. How many years in a row have I been typing that? Too many. The Bills are starting a crappy rookie quarterback (just like the Jets), and since this guy is going up against Bill Belicheck's defense I don't exactly see this going well. Ugh. Bills coach Doug Marrone will be thinking by the end of this game, "I wish I had stayed at Syracuse." Then he'll remember that he quintupled his salary by going to the NFL and he'll say, "Nah, not really."
Pats 38
Bills 10
Cincinnati at Chicago
I know very little about either team, but I know that Chicago has a new coach and Cincy still has the Red Rifle back there at QB, so I'll go with the Bengals on the road because why the hell not.
Bengals 24
Bears 20
Miami at Cleveland
Miami for some reason is everyone's "sleeper" pick out of the AFC this year. I have no idea why. People are also high on the Browns. Again, no idea why. It's as if people haven't watched the NFL ever and suddenly think that these two teams will somehow make the leap. I don't know about that, but I know I like the Browns in a close one. There will be much hand-wringing in Miami if they get off to an 0-1 start. HAHAHAHAHA just kidding, no one cares about the Dolphins.
Browns 16
Dolphins 10
Minnesota at Detroit
NO WAY Detroit is as awful as they were last year, right? RIGHT? Right. Christian Ponder will REALLY take a step back this year, and it starts in week one in the Motor City. Megatron will go silly against the Vikings secondary. Just kidding, I have no idea, I can't name a single member of the Vikings defensive backfield.
Lions 30
Vikings 17
Oakland at Indy
QUICK - gun to your head, who is Oakland's head coach? Exactly.
Colts 34
Raiders 20
Atlanta at New Orleans
Good game. I hope that Tony Gonzalez goes off in this game for two reasons. 1) He's on both of my fantasy teams, and 2) he's the only player in the NFL older than I am. I think the Saints will remind people as to why they're really good, now that Sean Payton is back in command of the franchise. I think they smack the reigning division champs right in the mouth in week one.
Saints 35
Falcons 27
Tennessee at Pittsburgh
Tennessee is bad, but at least Chris Johnson looked like he was finally an NFL running back again by the end of last season. Naturally, Kenny Britt might be unavailable for the Titans, but at least it's because he's injured and not in jail (pffft...Rutgers guys, amirite?). Anyway, Pittsburgh is hardnosed and smashmouth and blue-collar and whatever other bullshit description you want to apply to this team because they play in western PA. It's good enough to beat Tennessee.
Steelers 21
Titans 13
Seattle at Carolina
GOD there are a lot of teams in the NFL, and Carolina is still one of them. What's Cam Newton going to do this year? Well, how the hell should I know? I'm guessing last year was just a sophomore slump and he'll both play better AND stop acting like a preening idiot this season. But, anything is possible. As for Seattle, I love me some Russell Wilson.
Seahawks 31
Panthers 21
Kansas City at
Remember earlier when I joked that no one cared about the Dolphins? I'm serious when I say that no one cares about the Jaguars. MJD is healthy for now, but Blane Gabbert and Chad Henne were locked into an epic preseason Sanchez/Smith style QB battle. Translation: Jacksonville sucks and Kansas City sucks less. Enjoy your one week over .500, Alex Smith.
Chiefs 17
Jaguars 3
Arizona at St. Louis
God: "Does St. Louis still have a team?"
Homer: "Nah, they moved to Phoenix."
IRONY!
Cardinals 24
Rams 17
Green Bay at San Francisco
I am not nearly as high on the 49ers as most people are because a) I think Kapernick comes back to the pack a little bit, and b) Jim Harbaugh is kind of a smug douchebag. That said, I think they'll beat the Packers on opening night because for all of their Nordic god-like-ness on defense, they aren't really that good at stopping the read-option.
49ers 41
Packers 35
New York Giants at Dallas
Ah, Dallas. I'd call them underachievers, but no one ever expects much from them these days. They've won one playoff game in the last 18 years. Mark Sanchez has won FOUR in that time with the Jets. Let that sink in for a minute. Meanwhile, the Giants...no one seems to expect much out of them this year for some reason. I know they had a crappy season last year, but hell, they still have Eli and that irascible old coot of a head coach Tom Coughlin. That's gotta be enough to compete in a crappy NFC East, right?
Giants 27
Cowboys 20
Monday 9/9
Philadelphia at Washington
Haha, Chip Kelly in the NFL. That will not end well. I don't see how that Oregon offense will work in the NFL, but again, I'm just some guy. I don't know anything. Meanwhile RGIII will play for Washington, and assuming his leg doesn't fall off in the second quarter, the Redskins should take this one.
Redskins 28
Eagles 17
Houston at San Diego
Man, San Diego jumped the shark a couple of years back and they're on fumes now. This team needs to get blown up, and hopefully a week one loss to Houston at home will be the first step in that process. Houston is...okay. I don't think they're that great, but in the AFC, you don't have to be to make the playoffs.
Texans 24
Chargers 20
Last week: N/A
Season: 0-0
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