Man, my picks last week were BRUTAL. I'm the Houston Texans of prognosticators - by which I mean I'm really lousy at what I do. Hopefully this can be a bounce back week for me, and I can be more like that other Texas team, the Cowboys: beloved by some, hated by many, but mediocre at worst.
Onto the picks!
Thursday 12/5
Houston at Jacksonville
I had Jacksonville winning this one, although to be fair, I forgot to mention it because I was too busy PARTYING LIKE A ROCK STAR AT THE COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTY WHAT WHAT. But I knew the Texans would lose. I had:
Jaguars 10
Texans 6
Sunday 12/8
Oakland at New York Jets
Every Jets beat writer seems ADAMANT that the Jets will win this game. Not sure why, the Jets are terrible. I think it's just so that they can build up a strawman narrative about how "OH MY GOD THE JETS ARE SO BAD THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN BEAT THE RAIDERS," even though everyone who ISN'T a drunken, lazy sportswriter clearly can tell that both of these teams are awful. I actually think the Raiders will win the game because the Jets have the worst offense in the history of the NFL. So there you go.
Raiders 17
Jets 10
Indianapolis at Cincinnati
I spelled both city names correctly on the first try. Everything else is gravy from here on out.
Bengals 23
Colts 20
Atlanta at Green Bay
No Aaron Rodgers? Ugh. There's literally no point in even watching this game.
Packers 20
Falcons 17
Cleveland at New England
Look Cleveland, I don't care if you win or lose, but can you please find some way to end Tom Brady's career with a late hit or something? Failing that, can you at least have someone "accidentally" plow into the Pats' sideline and break Bill Belicheck's legs? HAHAHAHAHAHA oh I'm just kidding, everyone! Kind of.
Patriots 30
Browns 20
Detroit at Philadelphia
Damn, are the Eagles for real? I'm going to say "yes" enough to pick them in this game, so, there you have it. But NICK FOLES WILL THROW HIS FIRST PICK TODAY! (actually I have no idea about that, I'm just trying to sound confident about something)
Eagles 31
Lions 27
Miami at Pittsburgh
This would have been a GREAT game...IN THE 1970s, AMIRITE! UP TOP! (extends hand for high five...no one returns high five...slowly lowers hand)
Steelers 21
Dolphins 20
Buffalo at Tampa Bay
Um...Bucs? Who cares.
Bucs 17
Bills 14
Kansas City at Washington
Hey Chiefs, remember when you guys were winning all those games? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Fortunately, the Redskins are terrible, so that should be the tonic that Kansas City needs to get well. Yes, I just said "tonic" because I'm a apparently a traveling elixir salesman from the 1910s.
Chiefs 30
Redskins 14
Minnesota at Baltimore
So much purple...
Ravens 23
Vikings 20
Tennessee at Denver
Okay, well, I'm an idiot. I said that Peyton Manning was starting to look washed up last week, so what does he do? Throw five touchdown passes and carve up one of the league's better defenses. ME DUMB.
Broncos 38
Titans 24
St. Louis at Arizona
Cardinals are tough at home, so I'll pick them in a close game against the scrappy Rams. "Scrappy" is an upgrade from "crappy," so the Rams are making progress at least.
Cardinals 28
Rams 24
New York Giants at San Diego
I really want to pick the Chargers in this one, but the wheels seem to be falling off that wagon and the Giants have better leadership/coaching. I'll take the G-men.
Giants 20
Chargers 17
Seattle at San Francisco
I can't pick against the Seahawks right now. They're playing too well, and the 49ers...I still think something is missing there.
Seahawks 31
49ers 27
Carolina at New Orleans
I keep going back and forth here, but I think I'm going to take Carolina in a MINOR upset in New Orleans. If this game were in Carolina, I'd take the Panthers without even thinking about it, but since they're in their precious Superdome, the Saints will play a lot better. I guess they'll win.
Saints 31
Panthers 28
Monday 12/9
Dallas at Chicago
There's something wrong with the Bears. I don't know if it all trickles down from their head coach or not, but they seem to be better than 6-6...but they're playing EXACTLY like a .500 team, so maybe not. Meanwhile, the Cowboys - as ever - look like fool's gold a lot of the time, but I'll still take them to win this game at Soldier Field.
Cowboys 24
Bears 20
Last week: 6-6
Season: 105-74-1
No comments:
Post a Comment