Onto the NFL week two picks!
Thursday 9/17
Denver at Kansas City
Well, I got this one wrong. I should never underestimate (overestimate?) the game management of Andy Reid. Also, Peyton Manning is still semi-capable I suppose. Many of my Bronco/Peyton Manning friend fans were quick to rip me to shreds for taking shots at Manning during the game, but I stand by it. He looks like a guy on his last legs, and while he'll still show flashes of brilliance, he's got a real "Dan Marino 1998" stink about him. TRUST ME OKAY??!??! I'm older than most of you and know some stuff, DAMN IT.
Pictured - me making a great point about Peyton Manning
I had -
Chiefs 27
Broncos 20
Sunday 9/20
Houston at Carolina
Since I have no idea what to make of this game, I'll defer to my wife, who just casually heard me mention the matchup and said "I'm going with Houston." Works for me.
Texans 22
Carolina 17
San Francisco at Pittsburgh
The dynastic team of the 70s vs. the dynastic team of the 80s. These...are not those teams.
Steelers, I guess?
Pittsburgh 30
49ers 20
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Tampa Bay is awful.
Saints 31
Buccaneers 14
Detroit at Minnesota
Minnesota stinks, right? I think they stink. Also, Detroit is...uh, a team in the NFL.
Lions 24
Vikings 20
Arizona at Chicago
Mike Ditka must be rolling in his grave, watching this team play defense. I KNOW HE'S ALIVE, IT'S A JOKE. Meanwhile, like I said last week, until Carson Palmer's bandages and duct-tape full-body brace fall apart, the Cards should be pretty good.
Cardinals 31
Bears 27
New England at Buffalo
LET'S GO BUFFALO LET'S GO BUFFALO, HEY EY EY EY
But only for this week. I still don't think it's enough. To quote my friend Kevin's former father-in-law Bud Carson, "Belichick probably has a manila folder in his desk drawer with a plan to stop _____'s offense." I'm sure he's got something cooked up for Tyrod Taylor, too.
Patriots 23
Bills 20
San Diego at Cincinnati
Marmalard (copyright Drew Magary for that joke) and the Chargers looked good last week against Detroit, so why not look good again against the Bengals? I'll take the Chargers to win this matchup of the "Playoff First Round Flameout Bowl."
Chargers 27
Bengals 24
Tennessee at Cleveland
Well, the Browns are back to being the Browns, I guess. Poor Cleveland.
And I like Marcus Mariota, but I doubt we'll see a repeat performance (says the Jets fan, trying to convince himself that the Jets didn't miss out on the next Russell Wilson in the draft last year).
Atlanta at New York
Matt Ryan went to Boston College. Tom Coughlin used to coach there. COINCIDENCE?!?!?
Yeah, actually.
Giants 27
Falcons 24
St. Louis at Washington
I'm picking the 'Skins to go 0-16 this year. They're awful. Dan Snyder hasn't been this mad since a hobbit tricked him out of a magic ring in a game of riddles.
Rams 28
Redskins 17
Miami at Jacksonville
Jacksonville still exists?
Dolphins 20
Jaguars 14
Baltimore at Oakland
My son was throwing me a football this morning in the backyard, and he says (for some reason) "I'm the Raiders quarterback!" He then proceeded to throw a wounded duck of a pass, directly into the ground. Nailed it.
Ravens 30
Raiders 24
Dallas at Philadelphia
Classic divisional matchup, in the sense that I have NO IDEA what's going to happen. I'll pick the Eagles, I guess? I don't know.
Eagles 30
Cowboys 28
Seattle at Green Bay
"We want the ball, and we're gonna score!" - a fool
Above: nope
I think the Seahawks are looking at 0-2. Oops.
Packers 31
Seahawks 27
Monday September 21
New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts
As I mentioned in this space last week, I think the Colts are awful, outside of Andrew Luck. Their owner is an asshat, and their GM SUCKS. It doesn't take a genius to draft Andrew Luck, and that's basically all they've done right. I want to pick the Jets in this game. I like their chances, actually. But I guess I'll try a minor reverse jinx here, and go with the Colts.
AH SCREW IT, JETS ALL DAY BABY
Jets 31
Colts 27
Last week: 10-6
Season: 10-6
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