Week 5! Yes, I'm still doing this

Thurs 10/3

Cleveland at Buffalo

I picked the Browns. Honest. I got a text with a time stamp to prove it and everything.

Browns 21
Bills 17

Sunday 10/6

New Orleans at Chicago

Chicago went down a peg in my book after last week's loss to Detroit. New Orleans...thanks for smacking the Dolphins down, I'll send a fruit basket.

Saints 31
Bears 17

New England at Cincinnati

What the hell, Bengals? Losing to the Browns? I mean, I get that the Browns have been better lately, but man...what an egg they laid. Now New England comes to town, and those assholes look like they're starting to roll again. God, I hate them. SPORTS HATE, BUT STILL.

Patriots 31
Bengals 20

Detroit at Green Bay

I'm going to take the Packers because they've got to be pretty desperate right now. They're 1-2, they're at home, and this is a divisional game. They NEED this game. But I'm surprised that Detroit has looked so good this season.

Packers 30
Lions 27

Kansas City at Tennessee

No Jake Locker (thanks, Jets), and I don't believe in Ryan Fitzpatrick (and neither should you). The Chiefs are going to be 5-0 after this week. Good thing Andy Reid sucks, right Philly fans?

Chiefs 24
Titans 14

Seattle at Indianapolis

Did I ever tell you about my friend Russel Wilson? Well he's so great and so his is best buddy, Marshawn Lynch. They should have, like, a TV show together and I would watch it every week. But they don't, so I settle for watching them play football instead. That being said, Indy is solid. I love me some Seattle, but I think Indy wins a close one at home.

Colts 24
Seahawks 21

Jacksonville at St. Louis

What a turd of a game this is. These teams are awful. That's probably why it will end up being entertaining as hell somehow, because the NFL makes NO SENSE.

Rams 38
Jaguars 35

Baltimore at Miami

Five weeks into this season, I still have no idea what to make of these two teams. Miami came back to Earth last week somewhat, and Baltimore spit the bit against Buffalo (Buffalo, you guys - Buffalo). I'll begrudgingly pick Miami to win at home. I just think Baltimore is still trying to figure things out, and Miami at home will win an ugly game as a result.

Dolphins 17
Ravens 13

Philadelphia at New York Giants

True story - back when the Rams were the "greatest show on turf" in the early 2000s, I heard a funny story about Bud Carson, the longtime NFL coach (known for his acumen on the defensive side of the ball). My best friend from college was about to marry Carson's daughter, and as a result, my friend had the privilege of watching NFL games with the old coach. Anyway, I guess announcers on the TV or something were discussing how no one could figure out Mike Martz's offense, and how the Rams couldn't be stopped, etc. Apparently Carson snorted, and said "Pfft...I've got a goddamned manila envelope in my cabinet with a single piece of paper in it that tells you exactly how to stop that stupid offense." I don't know exactly what that meant (maybe he was referring to an old diagram of a basic Cover 2 defense or something), but I loved the complete derision that an old defensive coordinator had for a gimmicky new offense. Sure enough, the NFL caught up to that offense. The Bucs all but neutralized it in the NFC championship game that year, and New England finished it off in the Super Bowl.

The point of all that is that Chip Kelly's offense was figured out in about 2 weeks, once he started using it in the NFL. It's not going to work, guys. That being said, GOD the Giants suck. What the hell, G-Men? Stop biting off of the Jets. Sucking and being a mess...that's the Jets thing. I have no idea who to pick in this game, but I'll pick the Giants ONE MORE TIME BECAUSE COME ON YOU GUYS.

Giants 30 (30 extra points)
Eagles 28

Carolina at Arizona

Cardinals I guess? Carolina's only win was against the Giants, and I still think that Cam Newtown is kind of a punk. I like Arizona at home in a competitive game where they simply screw up fewer times than the Panthers.

Cardinals 21
Panthers 20

Denver at Dallas

Well...Dallas DOES force a lot of turnovers, but as long as Peyton Manning stays upright, I don't think the Cowboys will be able to stop Denver from scoring. Dallas really blew it last week at San Diego, and given what a psychologically fragile team they are, how the hell can I trust them to bounce back at home and beat the best team in the league? I can't do it.

Denver 42
Dallas 24

Houston at San Francisco

Speaking of teams that blew it...holy God, did Houston blow it last week. They had that game wrapped up, and then Matt Schaub decided to do his best Mark Sanchez impression, thus committing the cardinal sin of playing QB - HE LOST THE GAME FOR THEM. Terrible, terrible loss. Houston is under a lot of expectations every year, and they seem to be buckling early this year. That being said, San Francisco is beatable. Indy clobbered them in San Francisco, and Green Bay - a mediocre team so far - took them down to the wire. I think San Francisco will find a way to win this game behind their running game, but they're shaky. And so is this pick, probably.

49ers 27
Texans 20

San Diego at Oakland

Well, thanks to baseball (ugh), this game won't even start until 11:35 p.m. eastern time, so at least no one has to watch it. The Raiders suck, but I'd rather watch a Raiders pre-season game than any MLB game that doesn't involve the Mets. Sorry, baseball, but you're like my fifth favorite sport. It's not you, it's me. Well, it's MOSTLY me.

Chargers 27
Raiders 17

Monday 10/7

New York Jets at Atlanta Falcons

Ugh...do we really have to do this? Geno Smith is clearly taking lessons from the Sanchize about ball security, which is great. It's funny...a Rex Ryan coached team should have a QB that literally does nothing BUT protect the football. And the Rex Ryan era has been plagued by quarterbacks who just love to give the ball to the other team. It's so frustrating. On the other side of this, Atlanta has to be PISSED OFF about last week's game. I still think that Matt Ryan is a decent quarterback masquerading as a very good one, but given the fact that the Jets will probably be at least -3 in the turnover ratio in this game, that's good enough for the Falcons to win.

Falcons 31
Jets 17

Last week: 9-6
Season: 39-24