That title could be a thinly veiled reference to the current ascension of the Patriots, or it could just be a cheap grab to get the nerds on my Facebook feed to click on this link by accident, therefore driving up my pageviews. OR BOTH! (It's both). Onto the picks!
Thursday 10/17
Seattle at Arizona
I knew my main man Russel Wilson and his beastly running mate Marshawn Lynch wouldn't let me down. I predicted:
Seahawks 31
Cardinals 24
Sunday 10/20
New England at New York Jets
Sigh...do we have to do this? Do we have to keep playing this team? I am so sick of the Patriots and, like an awful relative, they keep showing up and ruining every single Christmas, Hannukah, bar mitzvah and baptism you go to (I'm assuming you're in an interfaith marriage or something). Anyway, as much as I would love to see Mo Wilkerson rip off Tom Brady's head and run around MetLife stadium with it held aloft in a grim reminder of Jets supremacy, what's more likely going to happen is that Geno Smith turns the ball over a bunch of times and Tom Brady shreds the battered remnants of the Jets secondary with his arsenal of shitty receivers.
Patriots 31
Jets 10
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Christ, Atlanta has to win one of these games, right? Meanwhile the Bucs internally continue to battle MRSA infections as well as Greg Schiano's douchebaggery. I think Atlanta at home wins this game, but it will be close because neither of these teams is really worth a damn.
Falcons 24
Bucs 13
Cincinnati at Detroit
Man, I literally ALWAYS spell Cincinnati wrong the first time I type it (one N, two Ts, because I'm dumb like that). Anyway, the Bengals are so weird this year, I simply cannot figure this team out. Meanwhile...Detroit. What gives? Is Calvin Johnson playing or what? All indications are that he is, so I'll take the Lions at home.
Lions 27
Bengals 21
Buffalo at Miami
I feel like the Dolphins have been on a bye for the last month. But they're back now, hosting the Thad Lewis Express at home. The Bills have somehow managed to win a couple of games this year, and they're been competitive in all of their losses, so begrudgingly I'll give a tip of the cap to Syracuse traitor Doug Marrone (I'm only half-kidding) for getting them to play as well as they have (this is not a good team). Still, I think the Dolphins coming off of the bye will have enough to slug out an ugly W at...whatever the hell Miami's stadium is called these days. I'm thinking it's some sort of sun-themed mortgage or bank that has the naming rights.
Dolphins 20
Bills 17
Dallas at Philadelphia
In the season long pillow fight that is the battle for the NFC East, these two teams swing maybe the firmest pillows, at least. I'm going to pick the Eagles at home simply because the Cowboys continue to frustrate me week in and week out with their typical shitty Cowboyness, and the Eagles offense HAS been good at scoring points this year (I'll begrudgingly tip my cap to Chip Kelly for that, as well. At this rate, I'm going to run out of caps before I finish with these picks).
Eagles 38
Cowboys 31
Chicago at Washington
Yeah...still not sold on the Redskins. They're 1-4 for a reason. The Bears have fallen back to the pack a bit, but I still like them on the road in D.C. Right? Right.
Bears 30
Redskins 24
St. Louis at Carolina
I couldn't care less about this game. I guess I'll go with the Rams because I'll take Jeff Fisher over Ron Rivera any day of the week and twice on Sunday. AND GUESS WHAT TODAY IS?!!
Rams 27
Panthers 20
San Diego at Jacksonville
After the Jaguars' spirited effort last week against Denver, it would be tempting to pick Jacksonville at home to maybe pull off the upset against San Diego. But Philip Rivers and the Chargers look downright competent this year, and steady competence is anathema to upset-minded underdogs.
Chargers 28
Jaguars 17
San Francisco at Tennessee
HI CHRIS MASON (my most loyal reader). I just broke the fourth wall right there, and this blog went all meta on you. I'd love to pick your boys at home, but I don't know if Locker is playing and Ryan Fitzpatrick sucks...and it looks like San Francisco has finally remembered what made them good last year. I don't think that cocktail of things works in the Titans' favor.
49ers 37
Titans 28
Cleveland at Green Bay
Nice win last week for the Packers at Baltimore - they found a way to pull one out despite losing half of their receiving corps before the third quarter. Who the hell will Aaron Rodgers throw to THIS week? It doesn't matter, because he's good enough to make chicken salad out of chicken shit, and he'll need to. As for Cleveland...sorry.
Packers 31
Browns 17
Houston at Kansas City
Houston is in complete disarray right now. They looked AWFUL last week, and Gary Kubiak is probably on his last legs as the head coach of this team. They now have to go into Arrowhead and face a team that doesn't beat itself. And all the Texans DO is beat themselves. It's a battle of the the teams called the Texans (the Chiefs USED to be called the Texans in the early days of the AFL - that's a little history lesson for you youngins). It's also completely apropos of nothing.
As an aside, Texans' defensive coordinator Wade Philips father Bum Philips died. RIP Bum Philips! Any kid who grew up watching NFL Films specials in the 1980s (as I did) knows Bum as the colorful old coach of the "Luv Ya Blue" Houston Oilers of the 1970s. Great character and always wore the best cowboy hats on the sidelines. Bum, I'm wearing my throwback Oilers jersey in your honor today.
Chiefs 24
Texans 14
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Don't get all excited, you still suck, Steelers. I know you bludgeoned the Jets last week, but, uh, that's not impressive. As for Baltimore, GET IT TOGETHER, RAVENS. You're the defending Super Bowl Champions. Act like it.
Steelers 20
Ravens 13
Denver at Indianapolis
Man, the Colts were not impressive on the road against San Diego last week. Meanwhile the Broncos also underperformed a bit (but still won against the lowly Jaguars). Denver's defense sucks, and that will be what undoes their inevitable 14-2/15-1 season in the playoffs. Poor Peyton. So good but always cursed with a defense that, in the words of the immortal Bart Scott, can't stop a nosebleed. In this game, though, I'll take the Broncos to win a close game that goes down to the end. I think the old man still has a few tricks up his sleeve that Andrew Luck won't be able to match.
Broncos 38
Colts 35
Monday 10/21
Minnesota at New York Giants
The Giants. What more can be said about how terrible their start has been? Meanwhile, the Vikings look semi-competent in stretches this year. I don't know if that's enough to eke out a road win against New York, but we'll find out. I know I SHOULDN'T keep picking Big Blue...but until they finally win, I'm going to CONTINUE to stick with the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS to get off the damned goose egg and pick up a W. COME ON G-MEN, YOU CAN DO THIS. If you fall to 0-7, so help me.
Giants 21
Vikings 20
Last week: 9-6
Season: 57-35
No comments:
Post a Comment