Week 12 NFL picks - back in the black

Okay, week 11 was definitely better. For the first time in almost a month, I actually almost didn't disgrace myself with my predictions. The reason I say "almost" is because for some reason I completely forgot about the Philadelphia-Washington game, so I give myself an "incomplete" on that one. My goal for this week is twofold - get all of the picks right (naturally), and, uh, actually pick all of the games on the schedule. What a concept! Here we go!

Thursday 11/21

New Orleans at Atlanta

I had the Saints in this one, but I thought they'd win in a blowout. But, you know, division rivals and all that. I should have known better. I'll take the 1-0 start to the week, but I had:

Saints 31
Falcons 10

Sunday 11/24

New York Jets at Baltimore

The Jets have never matched up well with Baltimore. And considering the fact that Geno Smith looks more and more like Mark Sanchez with each passing week, I'm not feeling a lot of good vibes about this game. I can see the Ravens winning, and it will be ugly (because when the Ravens have won this year, that's how they do it).

Ravens 20
Jets 10

Pittsburgh at Cleveland

Another divisional game in the bizarre AFC North. I guess I'll take the Steelers here because a) it looks like they finally have that passing game going, and b) Big Ben owns the Browns. But it will be close.

Steelers 27
Browns 20

Tampa Bay at Detroit

Well, the Bucs have started winning, which sucks (because, yo, screw Greg Schiano and Darrelle Revis), but I'm hoping that a desperate Lions team at home has enough firepower to beat them. Just remember to throw the ball to some guy named Calvin Johnson in the second half, okay Jim Schwartz? Unlike last week, you MAY want to find a way to feature your best player in crunch time. Just a suggestion.

Lions 24
Bucs 20

Minnesota at Green Bay

Quick, name the starting quarterbacks for both of these teams today without looking it up. Yeah, exactly.

Packers 19
Vikings 17

San Diego at Kansas City

I think the Chiefs will get back to their winning ways at home, but I don't love this pick. Coming off a tough loss against the Broncos and playing against a playoff-caliber San Diego Chargers team, AND it's a divisional game...ugh. I could easily go with the Chargers here too. But I'm a chicken so I'll take the Chiefs to defend Arrowhead.

Chiefs 23
Chargers 21

Chicago at St. Louis

The Bears? I guess. I can't figure out St. Louis at all. You know what? Screw it, I'm taking the Rams. Even in their wins, the Bears have looked shaky. And the Rams are weird - weird enough to win this game. But...I'll go back to my original pick and take the Bears. DON'T LET ME DOWN, MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY.

Bears 30
Rams 27

Carolina at Miami

I think the Panthers win just because their defense will overwhelm the Dolphins' offensive line. And because, you know, I hate the Dolphins.

Panthers 27
Dolphins 17

Jacksonville at Houston

(exhales) Wow, I don't know, I GUESS Houston will win at home, but both of these teams suck.

Texans 20
Jaguars 14

Tennessee at Oakland

I have no idea which Raiders team will show up this week. They are a model of inconsistency this year, and frankly, they're pissing me off as a result. Meanwhile the Titans put up a good fight about the Colts last week, but came up short. I'll pick them I guess, but the Raiders will keep it close (maybe - I JUST DON'T KNOW).

Titans 20
Raiders 17

Indianapolis at Arizona

GAH ANOTHER ONE. I have no feel for the picks this week at all. Hold on, let me put on some NFL Films music again.

(launches iTunes)

(plays "Wild Bunch")

Ah, there we go. Okay, I'm taking the Colts. Because...JOHNNY UNITAS.

Colts 31
Cardinals 24

Dallas at New York Giants

Because of course the f-ing Giants will win.

Giants 31
Cowboys 28

Denver at New England

Because of course the f-ing Patriots will win.

Pats 35
Broncos 31

Monday 11/25

San Francisco at Washington

The 49ers would have won in New Orleans last week, were in not for that ridiculous roughing the passer penalty that kept the Saints alive. DON'T MAKE ME TWEET MY DISPLEASURE AT YOU AGAIN, ROGER GOODDELL, I KNOW YOU'RE SHAKING IN YOUR BOOTS AT THE PROSPECT. I'VE DONE IT BEFORE AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

THATS A HORSE SHIT ROUGHING CALL!!!!! Your league is a joke, @nflcommish

— OrangeToffee (@kotite4ever) November 3, 2013

See? That was during the Jets/Saints game, but still. It's not my fault that Drew Brees is so small that EVERY hit looks harder than it is. MAN UP, DREW BREES (says the guy who never played organized football ever).

49ers 28
Redskins 24

Last week: 11-3
Season: 100-61