Yeah, it's NFL season again! After wandering in the wilderness that is the baseball season, our national addiction is back and the games are REAL, starting tonight. As I get older I think I prefer college football to the NFL, but it's really a matter of 1 and 1a in terms of where they are in my heart. Anyway, you know how this works. I make terrible picks, you all laugh at them, and then we move onto the next week where I once again pretend to know what I'm talking about. Hooray!
Thursday 9/4
Green Bay at Seattle
We now live in a world where Pete Carroll is both a collegiate national champion and a Super Bowl champion. I remember all of those stories when he was (briefly) the Jets coach in 1994, about how light-hearted he was and how he was heard bouncing a basketball up and down the halls of the Jets practice facility. Looks like all that basketball-bouncing finally paid off, Petey! And he also made sure he left USC JUST as the sanctions were hitting, fleeing to the NFL and the bags of cash that awaited him. The football gods punished him by...well, by doing nothing, basically. Congrats on winning the whole thing, Seahawks - you finally got justice for getting screwed by the Sons of Rooney in that abomination of a Super Bowl against the Steelers years ago! You also made Peyton Manning and the Broncos look atrocious in the title game, which just goes to show you what a big pile of steaming dog crap the AFC was last year.
As for this year, with their vaunted "12th man" home field advantage (puke), I'm sure the Seahawks will beat the Packers in a closely fought opening game. I'll be tuning in long after the hour long kickoff concert or whatever crap the NFL has planned. I JUST WANNA WATCH FOOTBAW, GUYS, NO MUSIC PLEASE
Seahawks 27
Packers 24
Sunday 9/7
Oakland at New York Jets
Sigh...you all know how much I hate picking the Jets. But they're going against a rookie QB, and Rex Ryan eats rookies alive (no, that's not a fat joke - he's skinny now, remember?). Anyway, I like the Jets at home over the Raiders, even though the Jets don't have any functioning cornerbacks. Should be a fun season! But the Raiders are the Raiders, and unfortunately for old AFL fans like me, they have yet to fully wash away the stink of Al Davis.
Jets 9
Raiders 6
(score prediction courtesy of Zev August)
New Orleans at Atlanta
GOD, Atlanta SUCKED last year. What the hell was that all about? I doubt they'll be as bad this year, although you never know. Meanwhile the Saints...I mean, doesn't it feel like 2009 was a LONG time ago? This game is on the road, so I think the bad Saints show up, but they'll still squeak by the Falcons.
Saints 24
Atlanta 20
Minnesota at St. Louis
It's the "They Might Move the Franchise to Los Angeles Bowl." Both of these teams are crap, so...Rams? I don't know.
Rams 20
Vikings 17
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Ugh, Pittsburgh kind of sucked last year, but they're still better than the Josh Gordon-less Browns. FUN FACT - while facing a season long drug suspension, Gordon has apparently taken a job as a car salesman to pay the bills. I wish I were funnier so that I could make a good joke about that, but it's actually just kind of pathetic and sad. What a waste of god-given natural ability. Anyway, I like the Steelers to take care of business at home against Cleveland, putting us officially on Johnny Football Watch.
Pittsburgh 31
Browns 14
Jacksonville at Philadelphia
(Sigh)oh, Jacksonville...
(BTW, I'm actually really excited to see Chip Kelly in year two. I was dead wrong about his offense last year - now with a year under their belts, I wonder if NFL defensive coordinators have figured out a way to slow it down)
Eagles 41
Jaguars 20
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Damn it, I misspelled Cincinnati the first time I tried typing it. It's week one for me too, people, okay? I actually think this is one of the better matchups of the opening weekend, and I think that the Ravens will win a close game, even without RUTGERS ALUMNUS Ray Rice.
Ravens 30
Bengals 27
Buffalo at Chicago
Bears, but it will be a shootout, since Chicago's defense sucks but their offense is really, really good. Let's hope that Jay Cutler is smart enough to throw the ball more to Alshon Jeffrey than to Brandon Marshall - hell, Jeffry was so good that he got Josh McCown a starting job (granted, it's only Tampa Bay, but still).
Chicago 38
Bills 35
Washington at Houston
Speaking of suckage from last year, these two teams. I like the Texans to win at home, though, because they HAVE TO, right? I mean, after going 2-14 this year, they must be dying to set foot on that field and do some damage. Tell RGIII's knees to be careful.
Texans 21
Redskins 18
Tennessee at Kansas City
Oh Chiefs...what an EPIC FAIL in the playoffs last year. You guys had the Colts DOWN AND OUT, and completely fell apart in that second half. I don't know what the hell Andy Reid was doing in that game, but I'm sure the injuries didn't help either. Meanwhile, the Titans were pretty "meh" last year, but they did manage to beat the stuffing out of my Jets in the only game I saw of theirs last season, so, you know, there's gotta be something there. But KC wins at home.
Chiefs 27
Titans 17
New England at Miami
Ah, my two least favorite teams in NFL history. Miami has a decent young QB but the offensive line remains a mess, and it's New England, guys. Tom Brady will still have Rob Gronkowski to throw to in this one(until his ankle or ACL falls off again), so they should take care of business in week one.
Patriots 31
Dolphins 21
Carolina at Tampa Bay
I don't care about either of these teams, now that my Greg Schiano/Darrelle Revis hatred connection is no longer in business down there. So what the hell, I'll pick them to upset Carolina in week one. It's an upset, right? I have no idea who's actually favored.
Buccaneers 21
Panthers 20
San Francisco at Dallas
Dallas' defense couldn't stop the Roll Bowl All-Stars, even with my throwing shoulder basically in shambles. San Francisco, on the other hand, has one of the nastiest defense in the league (as long as they stop having to suspend bone-headed players). I like the 49ers because, until Jerry Jones dies or sells the team, there's no reason to believe in them these days.
49ers 24
Cowboys 17
Indianapolis at Denver
Sigh...well, since Wes Welker is off poppin' mollies somewhere, and Eric Decker is gone, Manning will have no one to throw it to I guess. But he "makes everyone better," so I'm sure they'll still score a ton of points and win a lot of games, even if we have to continue to suffer through another year of Manning's pre-snap nonsense before calling a draw play to whatever Knowshon Moreno proxy they have back there on 3rd and 7. Meanwhile, Andrew Luck annoys me to no end. Can we stop anointing him already? The kid plays like crap in every big game he's been in so far. We should pump the brakes on the Hall of Fame talk. He's obviously a very good quarterback, but let's all just take a breath here.
Broncos 35
Colts 31
Monday 9/8
New York Giants at Detroit
Both of these teams were way too talented for their records last season. The Giants came on late, though, and the Lions faded down the stretch. I don't think it will ever happen with this Lions core ("it" meaning a title). I mean, Jim Caldwell barely has a pulse, but he's got to be better than that clown Jim Schwartz, right? Meanwhile Tom Coughlin is a much better coach, but the Giants always start slow, so I think I'll take the Lions at home (and deal with the inevitable "sky is falling" Giants fans calling into ESPN radio because GOD FORBID Giants fans ever have to deal with any adversity).
Lions 34
Giants 28
San Diego at Arizona
I love the Monday Night Football doubleheader! I wish they would do it more often, though. Once a year isn't enough. Anyway, Philip Rivers is better than...who is the Cardinals' QB? I have no idea. So, I'll go with the AFL team (as I always do when in doubt, heh).
Chargers 30
Cardinals 17
Last season's picks final: 149-94-1
This season: 0-0
(photo of future Jets Super Bowl-winning QB Geno Smith is courtesy of USA Today)
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