NFL WEEK 1 PICK-A-PA-LOOZA

Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends! We had a fun offseason of talking about the Newcheat Englcheat Cheatriots and Tom Brady's shriveled up balls, so that was fun. But now it's time to FINALLY get back on the gridiron and talk about actual games - always a shaky proposition for a Jets fan, to be sure, but here we are. Let's dive right in!

Pictured - a beard you can believe in

Thursday 9/10

Pittsburgh at New England

Yeah right, as if the Steelers were going to win this game.

Patriots 31
Steelers 20

(and yes, that was my pick. You'll have to just trust me. Shut up)

Sunday 9/13

Cleveland at New York Jets

WOO HOO, JETS FOOTBAW IS BACK! FEAR THE BEARD! FITZPATRICK! WHOEVER THE BROWNS QB IS! WHAT A MATCHUP!

Jets 24
Browns 17


Green Bay at Chicago

Eh, Green Bay I guess. Chicago's defense, in the words of the immortal Bart Scott, couldn't stop a nosebleed. The Jordy-less Packers prevail.

Packers 30
Bears 17

Kansas City at Houston

Far too early for either team to collapse, so I guess this will be a good game! I like the Chiefs over the JJ Wattses on the road. Also, I think the Chiefs will finally snap that ridiculous "no TDs to wide receivers" streak today. It's just a hunch, and my hunches are never wrong*

*they're almost always wrong

Chiefs 20
Texans 16

Indianapolis at Buffalo

I'm gonna actually take the Bills here. I guess it's just residual affection for Rex Ryan or something, or maybe it's the fact that the Colts' roster is a pile of hot garbage with the exception of Andrew Luck.

Bills 22
Colts 20

Miami at Washington

The Dolphins, right? Because there is no bigger disaster in the NFL right now than the Redskins. Such a shame. A once great franchise, laid low by a billionaire fanboy hobbit. I'm not even a Redskins fan, but go to hell, Dan Snyder.

Dolphins 24
Redskins 10

Carolina at Jacksonville

1995 EXPANSION TEAM BOWL! That's all I got.

Panthers 20
Jaguars 19

Seattle at St. Louis

Seahawks win an ugly game, as befits two defensive teams, one of which is coached by the nattily-mustachioed Jeff Fisher.

Seahawks 27
Rams 17

New Orleans at Arizona

2009 was a long time ago, and Carson Palmer is healthy (for now).

Cardinals 27
Saints 23

Detroit at San Diego

I'll go with the Lions here, because, I don't know, something something Calvin Johnson. Who knows.

Lions 30
Chargers 24

Tennessee at Tampa Bay

The Marcus Mariota vs. Jameis Winston showdown! The NFL is sneaky good when it comes to scheduling. They're really like the WWE when it comes to setting up storylines, only their outcomes are slightly less legitimate. #HOTTAKE

Buccaneers 17
Titans 14

Cincinnati at Oakland

I've done no research at all, but I'm guessing that Oakland still sucks, right?

Bengals 24
Raiders 13

Baltimore at Denver

I kind of want Peyton Manning to just retire before he dies on the field. And the Ravens are dirty as hell, so it might happen today! But they've got that mile high bullshit advantage working for them, so I guess the Broncos will eke this one out. Maybe.

Broncos 28
Ravens 24

New York Giants at Dallas

OOH, good one. I like the Giants in a road win, via crazy fun shootout (this means it will be something like Dallas 10, Giants 6).

Giants 37
Cowboys 35

Monday 9/14

Philadelphia at Atlanta

Happy birthday, Mom! This Monday Night Football game is dedicated to you, the person who hates football more than anyone else on planet Earth!

I figure Sam Bradford might stay healthy long enough for one game, so I'll take the Eagles and batshit-crazy head coach Chip Kelly in this one.

Eagles 30
Falcons 27

Minnesota at San Francisco

The 49ers are being coached by a guy who looks like your 7th grade math teacher/soccer coach. 

Vikings 23

49ers 17


2014 final results

142-83

2015 results so far

0-0